I am being torn in half. I am in the hospital to give the best chance possible to baby Gaby. It is the right thing to do, the right place to be. In doing so, however, I am neglecting Rachel. I have not been able to fulfill my duty to her as her mother for 2½ months, and I feel that I am losing her. It breaks my heart when she will not come to me for comfort. She only finds solace in her daddy’s arms. Don’t get me wrong. I want her to find comfort with Jeff, I just want her to find comfort with me too, and now she doesn’t.
On the one hand, this cannot end soon enough. I want desperately to go home and try to restore my relationship with Rachel. But on the other hand, such thoughts make me feel guilty because I also want to give Gaby her best chance possible. I understand that at the moment Gaby’s situation is the most urgent, but I am being torn by my children’s opposite needs.
Dr. Bell came to see me today. Nothing really new, but she did ask me if I’m feeling all the contractions I’ve had lately. I feel some, not others. I asked her about wheelchair rides. I expected her to say no, but when I told her I just wanted the rides for Rachel she said we could go ahead and give it a try. So I’m glad about that. The only stipulations are to keep them short, and I agreed to only go with Rachel. It’s really for her more than for me.
We are very glad that we now have a permanent solution for watching Rachel. We are so grateful to the people who have helped us to care for Rachel while I’m in the hospital. Now Jeff’s cousin is moving back here for a while, and she agreed to watch Rachel every day until this whole thing is over. Hopefully that will work out well.