The polls are closed, and the votes have been counted. By popular demand Gabriela’s nickname will be spelled with an “i” – Gabi. Actually, full disclosure here, I was going to change the spelling regardless of the voting results. This blog is not a democracy, in spite of the presence of polls. It is a benevolent dictatorship, and I am the benevolent dictator.
I have always tried to keep my blog upbeat, and it isn’t usually very hard, as I am generally an upbeat person. This is also my journal, and as such I want to be able to express myself freely. So if you don’t want to read about my frustrations and difficulties, you might want to skip this part.
When I was discharged from the hospital two and a half weeks ago, Dr. Horlander expressed concern for my mental health. She told me that because of my situation, I was especially vulnerable to postpartum depression. She insisted on writing me a prescription, but I never filled it. After a few days I came to appreciate what Dr. Horlander was talking about. Yesterday I called the Critical Care Nursery, where Gabi was staying while she was in the hospital, because I had some questions about her nursing. They contacted the preemie lactation consultant specialist, who called me. She also mentioned that I am especially vulnerable to postpartum depression. I don’t know if depression is the correct term for what I feel. I consider myself to be overwhelmed and inadequate, and I cry at the drop of a hat, or more accurately, I cry and the merest mention or thought of either Rachel or Gabi.
Two kids is not twice as hard as one, it is four times as hard. 1. Rachel and her issues and needs, 2. Gabi and her issues and needs, 3. Rachel and Gabi together. That’s four. Nursing and pumping takes up so much time and is such a major PAIN! I seriously do not know how other people cope. I (try to) cope with a sense of humor, and a perspective that thinks (or hopes) that in a few years it will be easier. I certainly wish I had been more sensitive and helpful to others who have been here before me.
Enough of that nonsense. I am surviving, and I am fairly sure that things will get better. Gabi is continuing to do well. I haven’t weighed her since last week, but she feels like she is gaining weight.
Rachel still seems to enjoy Gabi. She hasn’t really shown any real jealousy, and she likes to hold and kiss (and poke and pull on the fingers and toes of) Gabi. That being said, she is also showing more “terrible twos.” More temper tantrums and more whining. I need Supernanny. But at the same time, I can tell Rachel is growing up. She certainly has an opinion, and she is not shy about letting me know what she wants!